Kale Caesar Salad with GF Croutons

Not sure that everyone will be able to sympathize with me on this one but sometimes when it comes to staying “healthy” I want to give the middle finger to the treadmill, slide down a tequila water slide and then frolic in a field full of wheat.

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I swear I look at those stupid “unhealthy” people eating there deep fried funnel cakes and corn dogs and they are completely unphased by it, totally unaware that there poor insides are probably slowly dying and crying for a digestive enzymes or just a little HCl, and there I am all is this gluten, dairy, and refined sugar free??? Truth is I secretly want to walk over and make out with every garbage eating person around me in the hopes of getting just a little taste of what ever toxin they’re shoving into their face at that moment.

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The other day in the school our teacher was talking about how our red blood cells resemble the shape of a donut and all I could think about was how delicious a cherry crullers would be.

And I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer but it is exhausting being me…

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Take my daily supplement routine for example: I wake up every morning and drink dirt first thing… yep that’s right DIRT.

I open my eyes at 6am and then mix what most kids make sand castles out of for fun into a glass of water and then knock it back because it does a body good. Then I make a smoothie for breakfast to help wash down my desiccated bovine adrenal and spleen. Mmmmmmmmmm dirt and organs.

Truth is, this little rant of mine stems from going out to dinner sometimes and feeling deprived. Because sometimes I want to order a caesar salad before my main arrives instead of just sitting there sipping water with a big stupid healthy smile on my face.

But now we can all eat caesar salad, but only after we’ve enjoyed our dirt and cow organs of course.

cow crumbs, gluten free, kale salad, caesar salad, gluten free croutons, chicken caesar salad

Kale Caesar Salad with GF Croutons

Ingredients:

1 head of lacinato kale
1 head of romaine
3-4 slices of GF bread (I LOVE Queen Street Bakery, it’s my fave)
1 clove of garlic
2 chicken breasts
1 tsp. chili powder
1 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. paprika
1 tbsp. avocado oil

Caesar Dressing
2 tbsp. lemon juice
1 tbsp. mayoniase
1 tsp worcestershire
4 tbsp. avocado oil
1 tsp mustard
1 garlic clove pressed
salt and pepper to taste
Hard goat cheese of choice

Set your oven to broil and mix up your chicken in the spices and oil and then into the oven they go. Be sure when broiling meat that you leave the door cracked open just a little. This will take about 8 minutes per side depending on how big your chicken breasts are. Then I like to let them sit for about 5-10 minutes before cutting them up. Plus you don’t want to be tossing hot meat into a salad… grossy.

For the croutons rub a very small amount of oil on the outside of the bread and pop them into the toaster oven. Once they get all toasty you’re going to take your whole garlic clove and rub both sides liberally. Gives the croutons a nice bite without being super garlicky.

Next up the dressing, super easy just toss all the ingredients into a glass jar and shake it up. You can either mix your goat cheese into the dressing or just sprinkle it on top of the finished product. Or if you’re trying to avoid cheese all together nutritional yeast is a great option to add a little cheesy flavor san cheese.

And that is it my friends. Kale + Romaine + Chicken + Croutons + Dressing = DELICIOUS

cow crumbs, gluten free, kale salad, caesar salad, gluten free croutons, chicken caesar salad

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